


a study of you and remembering

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 20:22:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21326125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: im not sure what this is or what its supposed to be but ngl i want you to see italso for the record, i am still friends with you on tik tok and i still check ao3 to see what you write





	a study of you and remembering

may 17th i think  
remember that friday  
when i was at someones birthday party dinner thing  
and i told you for the first time that i liked you (over text too, god i suck)  
after being oh so very subtle about it for the one or two weeks that we were friends  
and you know, looking back, that was stupid  
i barely even knew you  
i knew you liked marvel and that you liked bubble tea  
and that was basically it

sometime in june i think  
remember those last couple days of school  
that we really didnt have to go to since we already technically graduated  
but we went anyways, to hang out with each other (or at least thats why i went)  
and remember when madam yelled at your friends (like "no touching" or some shit idk)  
and how we thought that was so funny cause she didnt know about us  
and remember when you gave me that gay "friendship" bracelet  
i never took it off (until my mom made me but thats irrelevant)

probably in july i think  
remember that one day that i came over  
and we just laid there and talked for hours until it got dark  
did you know that i wrote that one song "hey hows ur day" about that  
cause thats when i fell in love with you

in the beginning of september i think  
i called you and a.b. was at your house  
and you two talked like best friends (cause you were)  
and i remember feeling a sting of jealousy  
1\. because you and her were so close, i had a moment of "what if she likes her"  
and 2. because you were so close with her and i wasnt

on october 16th (and i know this date for a fact)  
i remember hurting someone i deeply cared for (and still do, to be totally honest)  
i remember feeling this rush of adrenaline when i said something that i shouldnt have to her  
then i remembered that she was your besfriend  
and that you were my girlfriend  
and that you were in love with me  
and that told you that i loved you with my arm around you and lied straight to you face, because i knew saying that would reassure you that nothing was happening and that there was nothing to worry about  
and then it hit me like bricks how fucked up all of it was  
and i knew i had to tell you  
and for the first time, i told the truth, thinking it would make me feel better, knowing it would hurt someone else  
do you know how much i am willing to give to redo that?  
yes i would still break up with you  
but not like that  
i want to rewrite our ending so bad  
i want to rewrite it in a way that would allow a sequel (oh dear god who let me even try to make metaphors. i mean a friendship)  
and as much as i would like to, there is no way in hell that we could be friends for a very long time

also, side note: you really think i moved on that quickly? i lost so much sleep over this. i still do. you know i hate crying, and i have cried more in the last month than i have in the last three years  
and yeah, i dont like you like that anymore  
but that doesnt mean im a fucking sociopath  
okay side note over

on october 21st  
i remember making a decision that really hurt  
because it hurt another person  
ive gotten into this bad habit of making choices or saying things that really hurt me, to avoid hurting another person  
i will do everything in my power to avoid hurting someone, even in the slightest  
but i learned that sometimes, its okay to do something for myself that might hurt someone  
and thats a hard sometimes like im not gonna say "fuck everyone, i matter and thats it" like thats not what i mean  
and some people call me a whore, or a slut  
and other people are telling me to go confront them  
but i deserve it, honestly  
so whatever i guess

and on november 5th  
im sitting here writing whatever this is  
and im thinking about all the shitty lyrics i wrote in the past month  
and how it goes from "fuck you i do what i want"  
to "im so sorry, i hate myself so much"  
and just like  
wow  
i cant really process anything anymore  
everything is just a big blur  
and as the days move forward  
i wont hate myself any less  
but maybe ill be happier  
i dont know  
sorry

january 21st  
man so much has happened since i wrote this  
and as i’m looking back on it, i’m wondering what the point of it was  
i’m pretty sure it was just to admit to her that lied about loving her, but whatever   
and i’m looking at what i wrote for october 21st  
i would like to add that that’s the day i made the best decision probably of my life   
i’m with the girl of my dreams and i couldn’t ask for anything more.  
yeah shit sucked for a while and it came out of that pile of burning garage but out of that came something great and goddamn i’m happy it did  
so, if you’re reading this, i love you so much   
and thank you for everything


End file.
